24/7: The time signature of the national anthem of India.
Agent: A character how resents performers getting 90% of his salary.
Ballet: An art form for people with eating disorders.
Bandstand: The area furthest away from an outlet.
Big Band: Currently referring to an aggregation of two musicians.
Cabaret: A venue where singers do songs from shows that closed out of town.
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome: God’s way of telling you that you’ve practiced too much.
Classical Composer: A Man ahead of his time and behind in rent.
Cruise Ship: A place where a musician has two reasons to throw up.
D.J.: The guy your son would rather have play for his Bar Mitzvah.
Downbeat: The magazine that would have you believe that all jazz musicians are working.
Electric Piano: The instrument that enables its player to pay for the hernia he sustained lifting it.
Jazz: The only true American art form beloved by Europeans.
New Year’s Eve: The only night of the year when contractors are forced to hire musicians they despise.
Orchestrator: The musician who enhances a composer’s music, only to be chastised for it.
Perfect Pitch: The ability to pinpoint any note and still play out of tune.
Pianist: An archaic term for a keyboard player.
Sideman: An appellation for a musician that indicates he will never be rich.
Staff Musician: Harder to locate than a cavity among the Osmond family.
Steady Engagement: Look up in Webster’s Dictionary under the word “obsolete”.
Union Rep: A guy who thinks big bands are coming back.
Verse: The part of a tune that’s disposable, except to its composer.
Wurlitzer: The Ford Pinto of pianos.
